Updated: 09/13/2020 – 22:02
Three questions that will help you decide
Does the relationship still make sense? Here’s how to find out
Should I break up hardly anyone hasn’t already thought about this question. But what makes someone seriously doubt that the relationship still holds any meaning? Our expert explains what can help with the decision.
Do you know only one couple who hasn’t had to deal with at least a mild crunch at some point? In almost all partnerships, people eventually get to the point where they need to take stock and seriously question themselves: Does my relationship still have meaning?
It’s something Eric Heijman, couples counselor and coach for Parship, often hears. In an interview with BILD der FRAU, a relationship expert, who offers several online courses on relationship topics at his Modern Love School, he talks about the difficult question partners sometimes ask themselves: Should I separate or stay?
Expert interview on the topic “Break up or stay: Does the relationship still make sense?”
Immobile woman: why are you thinking of breaking up? What are the most common causes?
Eric Heijman: Life is shorter than a relationship that makes you unhappy. So, there are definitely better relationships out there. But it’s usually a long way to answer the “go or stay” question.
In short, behind many conflicts lies a loss of closeness. Partners often lack contact with each other, feel taken for granted, and want more attention and intimacy. Marital affairs and infidelity are usually the result of the distance between the two partners, rarely the desire for further satisfaction. It is more about feeling aware again in intimacy, and wanting to know and get close.
Obviously, low relationship satisfaction is something that partners notice too late. Statistically, these are the guys who seem indifferent. After all, the vast majority of women are the ones who end relationships and file for divorce. But they are often the ones who start couples therapy or couples counseling.
Often the signs of dissatisfaction are an increase in demands. This can be seen, for example, in the numerous requests and growing criticism. As a result, the partner may withdraw, making him emotionally unavailable. However, this wall is often a sign that it is already too late, and the bond is broken.
Go or stay? Three questions to help you decide
They say there are three questions to ask when it comes to breaking up or not…?
- Has my partner helped me through difficult times?
Help, mutual support, and recognition are non-negotiable parts of love. Basically, you can expect your partner to stand by you, roll up their sleeves and be ready to lend a hand. Because those who cannot count on each other lose faith in being listened to and recognized in the future.
- Did my partner leave me alone in difficult times?
Many people say they would rather live alone than feel lonely in a relationship. Because feeling helpless and lonely in a relationship is horrible. Trust in your partner is shattered when they walk away from you. Who needs a relationship to get lost in beautiful words and declarations of intent?
- Has my partner put me through hard times?
Everyone initially takes responsibility for themselves – but also for the mutual relationship. Each decision should not only be evaluated as to whether it is beneficial to you, but also whether it will harm the partnership. For example, if one of the partners falls into debt on their own, both are liable for it. Abuse of alcohol or other substances also portends major problems.
AD: Everyone can learn to love! Here you will find online courses and quizzes for couples and singles from Modern Love School on dating, relationships and love.
People get used to just about anything – even unhappy relationships
Why is separation so difficult? What plays the biggest role in this?
- First, evolutionarily speaking, separation is something that appears threatening. Those who are used to being driven out or left alone cannot survive. People with trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder react accordingly. You don’t want to do this to yourself or your formerly beloved partner lightly.
- Then it depends on the general balance of the couple: I often test in couples counseling, for example when it comes to infidelity or an affair, where long-term partners compare whether good experiences outweigh and whether goals achieved together can be More important than insult and deception: not only ordinary children or created possessions, but also common experiences are part of it.
- An important aspect: getting used to typical relationship problems. Humans adapt quickly and well. Even in unhappy relationships, I often hear partners say, “Here I know the problems and how to deal with them. In a new relationship, I just trade differences and have to learn again.”
- Emotional dependency can play a role, affected individuals may be dependent on others in an emotional dependency relationship – but this can only be answered in individual cases. Each individual case often tells a very clear message to strangers: “Stop it! Protect yourself! Go!” But why it has not reached those affected is very individual.
- Existential reasons: Separation can be costly. How does life go on when one family is made up of two and he pays for the second sofa, the second table, and the second bed? The partner who earns less may face material immortality.
The final positive side is the hope that the conflict (or partner) will change after all. As long as the partners do not hope in vain for a long time, it is okay. However, that hope has often been dashed to the point that waiting becomes mere torture.
➔ You can find more information about our expert Eric Hegmann here, and click here to access Modern Love School. There you will also find suitable online courses on this topic, such as “Leaving or staying? How do you know if a relationship is over”.
Can a relationship break make sense? Read what it is all about temporary separation.
But sometimes it’s too late – this is how you realize that your relationship no longer has a chance:
Jealousy is a relationship killer: Find out how to fight jealousy here. Even if you suffer from a fear of commitment, you will find advice from us.
You can find more interesting articles about partnerships on our Comprehensive Relationship Guidelines topic page