Some find the partner for life, others never seem to succeed. Is love just a matter of good luck or bad luck? No, it shows a theory widely supported by psychology: It could be due to an insecure attachment style.
The so-called attachment theory is trending in social media. The hashtag #AttachmentStyle already has over 300 million views on Tiktok. One of the most popular books on adult attachment theory, published by psychologists Amir Levine and Rachel Heller in 2010 under the title Attachment, has seen an increase in sales for several years.
The basis of attachment theory explains how people form bonds with partners using four types.
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frightened: People with an anxious attachment style have a great need for intimacy and closeness, but at the same time they are unsettled quickly – both in a relationship and when dating. As soon as they become concerned that something is wrong with the relationship, their attachment system is activated. At this point, she finds it difficult to calm herself or think about anything else. Some react dismissively or angry until the partner tries to get them. The attachment system only calms down when the partner clearly assures him that the relationship is not in danger.
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Avoid: People who have an avoidant attachment style feel uncomfortable when the relationship becomes too close. They value their independence and freedom. At the heart of many lies the fear of being abandoned. Depending on how distinct their attachment style is, they enter into longer relationships, but inadvertently pursue strategies to deactivate the attachment system and thus keep their distance: criticizing details about the partner, idealizing an ex or desirable partner, not making contact or avoiding the relationship intimate; .
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certainly: People with a secure attachment style feel comfortable in close relationships, but are also good at being alone. They have confidence in their engagements and don’t care much about them, their demeanor is balanced and dependable. Securely connected people find it easy to express their needs and respond to the needs of their partners. When dating, they assume that the other person is also interested in a relationship. During an argument, they do not feel threatened by criticism, but are willing to reflect on their position.
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unorganized: This binding style is characterized by intense and chaotic patterns. People with a disorganized attachment style want extreme closeness, but at the same time push others away. They are often people who experienced violence in their childhood, who were severely neglected or abused.
In the annex, Levine and Heller write that just over half of people have a secure attachment style, with one in five anxious and less than one in four avoidant. Three to five percent are disorganized.
childhood experiences
Whether we develop a safe or unsafe attachment style has a lot to do with our childhood. Child psychiatrist John Bowlby pioneered attachment theory, studying the bonds between young children and their parents in the mid-20th century. Basically, people are born with the need for close relationships. But the way we learn to build relationships is shaped by the closest environment.
“What matters is whether the young child has a stable, trusting relationship with the caregiver and whether he is sensitive to his or her needs,” says psychology professor Jay Bodenman, 60, who has been researching couples and families for 25 years. For example, if a child has been separated from one of his parents for a longer period of time or if the bond is not consistent enough, this has a particularly drastic effect in the first three years of life. Caregivers who do not pay enough attention to the child’s needs, for example because they are stressed or depressed, pass on to the child: you cannot count on someone being there for you.
“Children who are securely attached are not only better able to regulate their emotions on their own, but they are also more courageous and independent,” Bodenman says. So are our parents alone to blame if we lead insecure relationships as adults? “No,” says Bodenman, the blows of fate also played a role. In addition, teachers, close friends, and rooted experiences in partnerships are factors that influence attachment style.
Proximity and distance problem
Studies show that when it comes to couples, often both people have a secure attachment pattern or both have an insecure attachment. It is very rare to combine two anxious people or two avoidant people. The combination of anxiety and avoidance is typical in uncertain horoscopes. This can be stressful for both of you, especially when you’re getting to know each other: one seeks closeness whenever the other avoids it. But the dynamic that activates an anxious person’s attachment system can help the two find each other interesting.
Jay Bodenman says that it makes sense for people with insecure attachment styles to approach the topic: an insecure attachment style does not represent a mental disorder, but it does increase the risk of such disorders. Research also shows that problems are often passed on to the next generation. People with an insecure attachment style are more likely to have insecurely attached children when they become parents. Tiktok videos are currently trending around #AttachmentStyle with difficulty to solve these issues. But it can be the first step for young people to learn more about themselves – and thus perhaps contribute to happy children from the next generation.
We asked researcher husband Guy Bodenman
Professor of Psychology in Zurich Guy Bodenmann (60) is one of the most famous researchers. SonntagsBlick asked him for advice for people with an insecure attachment style.
SonntagsBlick: Do people who develop an insecure bonding style as children suffer from it for life?
Jay Bodenman: It is not mandatory, although the attachment style is stable, it can change. When a person with an anxious style has been in a secure relationship for years, new experiences can replace the old.
How does a person with an anxious attachment style find a secure partner?
I advise being careful when getting to know each other and not getting involved too quickly. It is better to wait a little and ask yourself: can I find what I need in this person? It is important to have a partner you can rely on.
What is your advice to people who are avoidant?
For them, it is important to overcome themselves and be brave. You should realize that it is worth entering into a relationship with a “good” partner. If someone—and this applies to all insecurely related people—notes that it’s stressful to stumble upon the same point over and over again, professional help can be helpful.
And what should the constellation’s dreaded evaders couples watch out for?
It is important to talk about what it takes to feel safe. You must dare to tackle even the smallest situations that give rise to uncertainty. Otherwise, the problems will grow. Incidentally, research shows that couples with an anxious woman and an avoidant man are relatively stable. She may be insecure and jealous, but he rarely looks for anything else. And since those who associate with insecurities often have low self-esteem, they are less likely to break up because they think they won’t find anyone new.
Professor of Psychology in Zurich Guy Bodenmann (60) is one of the most famous researchers. SonntagsBlick asked him for advice for people with an insecure attachment style.
SonntagsBlick: Do people who develop an insecure bonding style as children suffer from it for life?
Jay Bodenman: It is not mandatory, although the attachment style is stable, it can change. When a person with an anxious style has been in a secure relationship for years, new experiences can replace the old.
How does a person with an anxious attachment style find a secure partner?
I advise being careful when getting to know each other and not getting involved too quickly. It is better to wait a little and ask yourself: can I find what I need in this person? It is important to have a partner you can rely on.
What is your advice to people who are avoidant?
For them, it is important to overcome themselves and be brave. You should realize that it is worth entering into a relationship with a “good” partner. If someone—and this applies to all insecurely related people—notes that it’s stressful to stumble upon the same point over and over again, professional help can be helpful.
And what should the constellation’s dreaded evaders couples watch out for?
It is important to talk about what it takes to feel safe. You must dare to tackle even the smallest situations that give rise to uncertainty. Otherwise, the problems will grow. Incidentally, research shows that couples with an anxious woman and an avoidant man are relatively stable. She may be insecure and jealous, but he rarely looks for anything else. And since those who associate with insecurities often have low self-esteem, they are less likely to break up because they think they won’t find anyone new.