Argument here, disagreement there and the couple just live their lives. If it were not for family life and children, then perhaps they would have separated a long time ago. But breaking up and then divorcing with kids is nerve-wracking for everyone — sons in particular.
Separation from children: How do you move forward?
Divorce is an emotional decline. The dream of shared happiness has exploded to the end of life. In the future, both partners will be alone and alone. If children also participate in this drama, the emotional burden is very high.
So the first steps could be:
- Talk to your partner and try to reach a consensus.
- Is it reasonable to leave one of the parents or separated parents?
- How do you break care work into shifts to create a structure?
- how are the kids? How do you maintain your routine?
First of all, it is important that you maintain the usual daily life of the children. If possible, children should stay in their familiar surroundings for the time being and not be taken out of the kindergarten, for example.
Also brainstorm with those around you, and let the daycare center know what’s going on. Then the teachers can respond when the kids say something. Even if it’s difficult: don’t rush into anything and (depending on their age) take the kids with you in the decision-making process so they know what to expect. They are more sensitive than we parents sometimes think.
Where can I get advice and help when separated from children?
You will likely need emotional and legal support in the near future. Some lawyers are trained as mediators. Here you can go together and try to clarify legal questions together, eg b. Who gets the amount of alimony, where the children should live, etc.
You may already get emotional support from friends and family, but sometimes it’s a good idea to talk to strangers about the situation. Contact points such as profamilia can help here.
Divorce with children: You are entitled to this amount of (child) alimony
Before going to family court and signing a divorce, issues such as alimony and custody should be clarified. It is always better if the ex-spouse has already made a decision here and not leave the matter to the court.
However, maintenance payments are only possible if there is a need at all. If you are living together as a family for a transitional period and, for example, you are still paying your expenses from a joint account, the discussion about maintenance is premature.
If one partner has moved and most of the children remain with the other partner, alimony may have to be paid. A youth welfare office or a lawyer specializing in family law will also help you here.
If you have not otherwise arranged in the marriage contract, the Düsseldorf table of maintenance applies. Below is a breakdown of how much alimony children are entitled to, broken down by income and number of dependents.
After the separation, the couple is in what is called the year of separation for at least a year. The idea behind this is to check if there is a way back after all. During this time, the spouses should live separately (it mainly concerns the bedroom and personal sanctuary). During this time and possibly also after, the parent who does care work most of the time may also be entitled to maintenance.
Where do children live after divorce?
It is better for children if many structures remain as they were. Therefore, it is likely that the optimal solution would be for a parent to stay with his children in the family home. Unfortunately, this is not always possible – after all, another place of residence will have to be financed with the same income and financial conditions may change again as a result of a divorce.
However, the most emotional question usually is which of the parents will keep the children. If this question is decided only before a family court, the following applies:
- Children under 14: The family court decides whether or not to hear the child on this question. If the parents cannot agree, the court ultimately decides.
- Children over the age of 14 are always heard and therefore can also influence the court’s decision.
Of course, it would be better if you as a family came to an agreement in advance. There are a variety of family models in which children spend the same amount of time with their parents.
In the end, there are several factors that influence the answer to this question:
- Where is the nursery school located?
- Where do friends live and where do they go to school/kindergarten?
- Who has more time for children?
- What do the kids want?
Separation with Children and the Home: Who Gets the Home?
It mainly depends on two factors:
- Who is registered as an owner in the Land Registry?
- In what property system do the spouses live?
If both partners are registered in the Land Registry, each of them owns half of it. If someone wants to keep the house, he has to buy the other half.
It becomes more complicated if, for example, the inheritance flows into home financing or, for example, it is agreed to separate property. In such a matter, please always contact a professional attorney and get advice.
What about custody in divorce?
In principle, parents have custody (and visitation rights) of their biological children, at least at the beginning of the marriage. Divorce with children does not change this fact, unless one of the partners wants to apply for sole custody.
If this is done out of concern that he will always need the consent of the other parent when making decisions in everyday life, then this is unfounded.
If you have questions about such topics or want to apply for individual custody, you can contact the Youth Welfare Office at any time. Here you will get the necessary help and advice.
Can we hire a lawyer together?
One thing is clear: you need at least one lawyer, because only he or she can file a divorce application to the court. If you agree on the basic points, it makes sense to only take legal advice, as this saves costs.
You just have to know: He can’t advise you both if you still have questions. Only one party can represent a legal group in the dispute.
What happens to our savings, insurance, and pension plans?
Again, this depends on the property system of the marriage. If you don’t have a marriage contract, you live in a society of earnings. Explain simply: in principle, each of the spouses owns its assets. Then everything that came in the marriage is divided as part of the divorce when the gains are equalised. The same applies to losses from marriage: these are also common.
Private insurance and pension systems are not only exciting to achieve earnings equalization, but also to equalize pensions. Here it depends a lot on the specific case, if necessary, it should also be shared. A lawyer will help you more.
I previously worked in care, should I go back to work now?
It all depends on your financial circumstances and the age of your children. Especially if your children are still very young, a care worker may be able to confirm alimony claims. The older the children, the sooner the alimony claim will expire.
Speaking of the year of separation: especially in the first year after the separation, the spouse who did not work during the marriage has time to consider the labor market, and therefore is often entitled to alimony for separation.
How do we explain divorce to our children?
Divorce with children presents us with great challenges as parents. There is great concern that children will be overwhelmed. However, it makes sense to talk openly and honestly with children. They usually notice that something is wrong.
The following also applies: if they are old enough for a question, they can also handle the answer. Always give them space to ask questions and let their feelings go.
Several books address the topic and make a good start:
Should I expect long-term consequences for my children due to divorce?
Of course, the time of separation and divorce is a serious event for children. It’s only understandable that we parents are trying everything we can to prevent it. At the same time, quarrels, disagreements and a broken family life can weigh on children.
Divorce researcher Ulrich Schmidt-Denter discovered in his study that time after a breakup is crucial. It is precisely the struggles of the parents that place such a heavy, and above all, always on the children that children of divorce sometimes feel in adulthood that something similar to what happened to their parents will happen to them.
It is also important how parents maintain their relationship with their children after a divorce. Are they allowed to remain children or do they feel that they have to take responsibility for their parents?
Parental divorce affects the concept of self-attachment, and divorces between sons are increasing – and it turns out to them that way. In this regard, a new relationship after a divorce is not as bad as many parents initially think.
One thing is clear (albeit easier said than done): Divorce with children doesn’t have to end in a mud fight. This is also what the research teaches us. If parents try to monitor the well-being of children and put their injuries behind, it will be easier for everyone.
Is it still possible to save your relationship? You can see from these seven signs that your partnership is in poor shape. If you want to fight for your marriage, these eleven tips or marital therapy may help.
And because that would unfortunately be a problem as well, you can find out more about upcoming divorce costs in this video:
Test: Does it save our marriage or separate?
Sources: Deutschlandfunk Kultur on the topic of divorce, familienrechtsinfo.de, scheid.de
Image source: Gettyimages / ronstik
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