Asexuality – is a relationship possible with it? ultimate! But often asexual people can’t imagine much of a topic. Two asexual women want to change that and get rid of prejudices.
What does asexuality actually mean? For my interview partners Nina Raap and Franziska Hörstgen, this means that they do not feel sexual attraction to others and have no desire for sexual activity. In society, people in the spectrum also call themselves Aces. However, their sex life does not mean that they do not want or cannot have relationships.
People who are sexually attracted and who do not belong to the asexual spectrum are also called allosexuals. However, it is often difficult for them to imagine a relationship without sex or a life without sexual desire. Because this norm is preached to us everywhere: in school, in family or with friends when talking about a first relationship or first time, but also in the media often (and often unrealistically) on the topic of sex.
Of course, that’s not all that makes a relationship. Francesca and Nina have been in a relationship with their current partner for several years. In addition, in their current partnership and in the past, they already had relationships with asexual, that is, asexual people, and they spoke very frankly about their experiences in the interview.
Psychological connection with each other
Two women do not need sex. They have little sexual activity in their relationships. Francesca explains, “Sex is something I do in favor of my partner and I can enjoy because I know I make him happy, and I can enjoy the emotional closeness that develops.” But of course it is important for a partner to accept their limits as they are and not ask for more than they can give.
Same with Nina. Sexuality is not about her own desire, but about emotional closeness. “For me, it’s more about the psychological relationship to each other. Physically, I don’t need it,” she says. “I can survive for the rest of my life without being sexually close to anyone.” They both occasionally engage in sexual closeness with their partners, but only if they want to and can allow it. Everyone on the spectrum deals with it differently.
“I’m a very hopeless romantic”
While both are asexual, they are not aromatic at the same time. This means the inability to feel romantic feelings. You are a holistic perspective and therefore you are attracted to people of all genders on this level. Because the spectrum on which the two move is very diverse and therefore many properties can be applied to a single person.
For both women, it is important to be close to other people. For example, watching a movie together, going on a date, cuddling or kissing. “I feel loved by everyone and I’m a very hopeless romantic,” explains Nina, laughing. “The little things like holding hands or cuddling, that’s something that makes me totally happy in a relationship.” Francesca can only agree: “I incredibly appreciate romance, but basically what I expect from a relationship is love — without having to bend over backwards for it.”
Open and honest communication
For Nina and Franziska, it is clear that their partners should also be happy in their relationship. But in the past, the demands of the people who were with them sometimes went too far. As far as asexuality is concerned, both are always open in their partnerships.
“My first partner really needed it, so for him it was part of a relationship, and I accepted it,” says Nina. The two had been a couple for five years. The fact that she did not want sexual closeness so much that her partner led to the separation at the time: “He could have it, but only to a certain extent, as long as I wanted it myself.”
At the time, Nina realized that both partners’ job was to preserve the relationship – not just her: “It should be a scale where she says, ‘Well, everyone makes the same effort for this relationship. Everyone makes an effort to make the partner happy, and everyone takes care of themselves.'” It’s totally normal in other relationships, regardless of whether they’re both promiscuous or not.
acceptance of sex
Nina and Francesca sometimes had bad experiences with their first partners. “In previous relationships, I sometimes allowed more than I wanted because I had a feeling: I have to. Otherwise my partner is unhappy and if my partner is unhappy, the relationship is automatically unhappy too,” explains Nina.
That was a huge mistake in previous relationships that you won’t repeat now. Instead, she found in her current partner someone who accepted her romantic needs and disinterested in sexual intimacy.
“My partner has shown a lot of acceptance right from the start and has been a bit on the ace spectrum himself,” explains the 21-year-old. “None of us are sexually active. But, for example, if he really wants to do something with me, he honestly tells me and I’ll say if I want that too. Very simple: very simple consent.” The word “approval” means “approval” in German. This can happen in any everyday situation – or in private dealings with each other (whether in relationships or with friends). So consent between two or more people does not depend on just one person. Instead, consent must always be reciprocal or come from all those involved in the situation.
Relationship management is the same for all nationalities
For Nina and Franzi, it goes without saying that they work on their relationships and exchange ideas with their partners: “Essentially, every relationship should be in constant communication and discussion about what’s going on: What do we want from each other now, what do they need from each other and what do they need from each other? Can’t this relationship work without him?” Of course, this is not a static block that she and her partner will gradually work through, as the 22-year-old explains. However, it is an important step in order not to neglect the relationship and its lovers.
But it’s possible that Nina and Francesca are more used to talking to their partners about the relationship because of their sexuality. What the partner needs at the moment, what he can offer himself and what he wants to give – according to Franziska, such discussions should take place again and again and build on each other. “I think this extends far beyond asexual and heterosexual relationships. It should be the cornerstone of every relationship.”
Sources used: Aktivista, Asexuality.org, Funk