When does it become a problem and how can it be changed

Mrs. Klobusch, everyone has an attachment style that affects the relationship differently. What does he say about us?

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There are three attachment styles: fearful, avoidant, and secure. People who embody a anxious relationship type need a lot of closeness in a relationship. They are often restless and always need reassurance that their partners love them. In addition, this species is very adaptable and quickly ignores their own needs. On the other hand, the avoidant type of relationship is very independent: they are afraid to be too close and often perceive love as abandonment of oneself. When their partner wants commitments in the relationship, they panic and withdraw quickly. The kind of relationship we all want to be in, and that’s good for us, is the secure kind: He’s comfortable with closeness and has stable relationships.

What prevents some people from developing a secure attachment style?

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Attachment patterns are formed in childhood. The English researcher John Bowlby gained important scientific insights. As infants and toddlers, we depend on bonding with our parents. If the parents develop an emotionally secure attachment and are reliable in caring for the child, the child is also more likely to develop a secure attachment style. However, if the father or mother neglects the child, withdraws, or does not respond to the child when he cries, the child is also more likely to have an avoidant attachment style in adulthood.

On the other hand, the worrying type of relationship, he often suffers as a child that he does not get love from their parents unless they have adapted. If a child behaves defiantly, he is often punished by deprivation of love. When I examine the reasons for my clients’ strongly developing attachment styles in my training sessions in Hertscomere, we often find that they have already had such difficult experiences with their parents in their childhood. In short, our attachment styles, formed very early on, have a huge impact on our marital relationships.

When the fearful or avoidant attachment style is particularly strong, it can lead to problems in the long-term relationship.

So we all have a certain imprint that affects the way we relate. But when does it become a problem?

When the fearful or avoidant attachment style is particularly strong, it can lead to problems in the long-term relationship. If the troubling type of relationship doesn’t get the closeness it needs, it can escalate in extreme cases. He does everything to make sure that his partner is close. This then leads, for example, to phone terror: they try to restore rapprochement with their partner through constant letters and calls. This also becomes a burden on the partner – especially if he has an avoidant attachment style. Then the avoidant type of relationship tends to proceed in the defensive mode; In extreme cases, he ends the relationship when the closeness eventually becomes too much for him.

Heike Klopsch helps people with heartache in Hamburg to cope with love.

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In some horoscopes, attachment style can become a burden to both.

yes. In fact, the type of relationship is often anxiety and avoidance combined. Because the anxious type of relationship often finds this independence to the avoidant stimulus at first because it lacks it. On the other hand, the avoidant type of relationship initially finds the attention it receives very attractive. However, in the long run, both are often bothered by their different attachment styles because they can’t meet their needs as a result.

As a result, some people with a highly anxious or avoidant attachment style have difficulty maintaining long-term relationships. Therefore, the level of suffering is enormous for them. And purely statistically speaking, there are simply more anxious and avoided types of relationships on dating portals, because it’s where the biggest movement happens. The probability that people with attachment styles will meet in this way is very high. Safe types of relationships only exist in the market for a short time and usually quickly return to strong relationships.

Is monogamy still relevant?

Monogamous relationships are the most common form of partnership. But this relationship concept isn’t right for everyone, explains matrimonial therapist Aino Simon in an RND interview. Some couples may be better able to meet their needs in an open relationship. But even these have rules and limits.

How can those affected continue to have a healthy and happy relationship under these circumstances?

By working out their attachment styles. For avoidant types of relationships – I also call them refugee love – it’s important to allow more closeness. But of course they have to learn that first. At first, they can start by expressing their needs to their partner. If they calmly and without accusations explain that they have fundamental problems with closeness and that independence and freedom are important to them, then communication with their partner will be much better. It is important here that they do not judge the other person for their behavior.

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Because if we tell our partners that they’re not right – eg because they need a lot of closeness – they will quickly feel under attack. Of course, the anxious relationship type should also express their needs. But often such people can hardly determine their own needs – after all, they spend a lot of time adapting. So it’s important to focus more on your own needs in the future in order to become more secure in the relationship.

This is certainly difficult for people with particularly strong attachment patterns. Could a runaway from love ever become a very safe type of relationship?

Science has shown that a third of adults are able to change their attachment style as a result of their attachment experiences. Basically, attachment style is also a partner’s reaction. In other words: If, as a kind of avoidant relationship, I have someone who brings me peace and doesn’t stress me out too much closeness, I can also become much safer in relationships in the long run. Because loving refugees can then learn that they can also be free within the relationship. However, they also need to actively work on avoidance and self-esteem strategies so that they can resolve their fears of intimacy. Of course, this takes time – and above all, those affected must first understand where these fears come from. But under all these circumstances, people with strong avoidant and anxious attachment patterns can have stable partnerships.

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