Understand your partner’s love language

If there are frequent disagreements or disagreements in relationships, this may be due to the fact that the partners speak a different love language. What sounds like pocket psychology can have added value for many couples, as marital and sexual therapist Anne Marilyn Henning explains on the RND “Oh, come on!” podcast But what about the so-called love languages?

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The concept of the “five love languages” was developed in the 1990s by American couple, relationship counselor and pastor Gary Chapman. Chapman noted that in his sessions, couples continued to say the same things that made them feel unloved by their partner. From this, Gary Chapman developed love languages, which he often compares to speaking a (foreign) language.

According to Henning, in psychology this is often symbolized by the so-called tanks of love. According to this, all people have a love tank that can be full or empty. If your love language is spoken to you, this tank is full. It seems simple, but it works. “If something simple and works and causes aha moments, why shouldn’t I do it?” Henning says on the RND podcast.

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What are the five love languages?

According to Gary Chapman, the five love languages ​​in a partnership are primarily responsible for “feeling loved.”

  1. Praise and Appreciation: People who speak this love language especially rely on praise, words of encouragement, kindness, or even admiration. This primarily concerns verbal communication – verbally and in writing via SMS, messages of love and partners.
  2. Teamwork: Spending quality time together and paying full attention is especially important for people who have this love language. It is very important for them, for example, to go out to dinner or go on trips – but “just the two of us.”
  3. Gifts that come from the heart: Material attention is very important for people with this love language. Material value does not usually play such a large role, but rather the meaning and effort behind the gifts from the partner.
  4. Prepare to help: Co-partners always want to do something good for their counterparts and relieve them. It’s not about the amount of help, it’s often small things like cooking, carrying luggage or taking care of shopping.
  5. Tenderness and tenderness: Physical touch, be it hugs, kisses, or sexual encounters, is essential for people with this love language. Even with small physical gestures, like combing your hair through, you want to show your partner how much you love him or her.

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How do I know the language of my love?

According to Ann-Marlene Henning, if you don’t immediately know which language of love you speak yourself you should look at yourself and ask yourself two questions: In what language do I express my love for my partner? And what do I miss from my partner?

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If it’s still not clear, the psychologist advises that it can help to rule out some languages. So the additional question to answer: Which love language or languages ​​can I possibly do without?

If the partner speaks a different love language

Couples don’t always speak the same language of love. This isn’t a bad thing at first – but it’s worth engaging in your partner’s love language. In couples with different love languages, there is often a problem where they both say, “You don’t notice me anymore.”

In addition, it can happen that you are annoyed by the other part, for example if they are particularly interested or clingy. It’s important to keep in mind that he just wants to tell you in his love language that he loves you. But: “If you want to fill your partner’s love tank, you better do it in the right language,” Henning confirms.

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Can you have multiple love languages?

All five love languages ​​are undoubtedly fun. However, each person speaks the language of love with a special force. Anne Marilyn Henning also describes this as a “main language”, while another might represent a “second or even third language”. “My experience is that couples have one or two love languages,” Henning says.

However, love languages ​​can also interfere: if you bring your partner something from your favorite coffee shop, for example, then this is a gift, but it is also a favor or even a desire to help, because, for example, he or she does not have time to say it to yourself pick up.

The benefits that languages ​​can bring to relationships

Talking about your own needs and getting involved with your partner can greatly enrich the relationship. Through love languages, you can get to know each other better and feel better understood and accepted – ergo: the tank of love is filling up.

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Speaking another language also has to do with commitment in a relationship. The language of love does not work according to the motto: “Treat a person as you would like to treat them yourself.” Instead, it is important that you treat your partner as he would like to be treated.

Anyone who learns the language of love also opens up completely different ways to surprise their partner. You can definitely plan or do something with the love language that you know your partner understands – even if it’s not yours. “They say a negative thing takes five good things to fill the tank again,” Henning says. This makes it easier for you to apologize, for example, if you know and understand the other person’s love language.

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