Relationship: Is Love All It Takes? Couples therapist explains

couple therapist reveals
Is love really all we need in a partnership?

© Drobot Dean / Adobe Stock

The column written by our husbands therapist Oscar Holzberg is about typical love wisdom and its true content, it explains famous proverbs, lyrics and quotes. this time: “All you need is love” (The Beatles, pop band)

Something small: yes. But because we cannot dazzle love like a cough syrup, the question remains what does love need.

Now in detail: In fact, we’d like to agree with John Lennon and Paul McCartney. When there is love, everything is fine. When we let go of each other and accept each other as we are, that’s great. If we feel loved and love ourselves – what else do we need? And vice versa, when there is no love, when it has disappeared from our lives: is not everything gray, empty, desolate and meaningless? So! all we need is love!

This is also true in the spiritual and philosophical sense. If there was enough love in the world, and if love ruled the world, it would be a great world. But as human history proves to us every day anew, we fallible humans are not capable of this.. We are already arguing about what love is. And more about the right way to achieve it. In the extreme we are waging war. in the name of love

We must achieve love itself

“All you need is love” is a utopia. One we should not give up. But at the same time we must realize that we cannot realize it in the end. This mindfulness always involves ignorance, and appreciation always involves contempt. I always like indifference and hate. Love is not a self-aware force. We must realize it. And with that, we’re already in the middle of a very personal and confusing love relationship. It always feels at first as if love is at work and doing its job. Hold on to us and we follow. We cannot resist them, so why should we resist them? Lovers experience “All you need is love” and the world is enchanted.

But romantic love is not a permanent form of love. And with the conflicts that arise, a sentence like “All you need is love” is misleading in many relationships. Then it becomes: “But we love each other!” Or partners cling to her despite betrayal, violence, or devaluation: “But I love him—or I love him—after all!” Suddenly the good news of love turns into a dangerous illusion. . Because we must strive for our love. But not by ignoring everything else or doing everything we can to be loved. This is the behavior of children. But by preserving our ability to love. Everyone has it and we as a couple are ours. By learning to love. And don’t take it for granted.

Are we learning to develop an appreciation for each other over and over, to rediscover ourselves over and over, to find each other over and over again? If we do not learn to treat each other, love dies from unresolved conflicts. If we do not learn to create closeness, love dies of indifference. If we do not learn to trust and act with confidence, love dies of fear. If we do not learn to forgive and reconcile, love dies because of our lack. If we do not recognize our differences, love dies from the search for harmony. And if we don’t understand that just feeling love is not enough, love dies from our misconceptions. And the Beatles certainly didn’t want it, in 1967, in the imaginary and utopian summer of love, when they sang: “…it’s easy.”

Oscar Holzberg He has been treating and writing about couples for nearly 30 years. “Love is not an illusion,” he says, “but we have many illusions about love.”

Falling in love with your partner: Oscar Holzberg

Oscar Holzberg, 67, has been counseling couples at his Hamburg clinic for more than 20 years and has been married for over 30 years. His current book is called New Key Phrases in Love (240 pages, €11, DuMont).

© Ilona Habin

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