Relationship: Why loneliness is not uncommon in a partnership

The therapist explains the couple
Why loneliness is not uncommon in a relationship

© Pavlo Melnyk / Adobe Stock

The column written by our husbands therapist Oscar Holzberg is about typical love wisdom and its true content, it explains famous proverbs, lyrics and quotes. This time: “He who fears loneliness should not marry” (Anton Chekhov, writer and playwright).

Something small: Oh yeah, everyone who lives the longest in a romantic relationship experiences that.

Now in detail: We relate to animals We need other related animals to handle our lives and feel fulfilled. Loneliness makes us sick. We want to feel a deep connection within, in love, in friendship, in a chance encounter. We want to love, laugh, celebrate, grieve, seek protection and feel comfortable. This is what makes us. This is our nature. Happy hermits are extremely rare, at least in the long run.

This does not mean that people do not like to be alone sometimes. But being lonely doesn’t mean being lonely. Each one is a state of interconnectedness. With life, with nature, with silence, with what inspires us now. It is the inner relationship with the people we love and who love us. And above all with ourselves.

Loneliness strikes when we feel isolated from our loved ones, important friendships, or family. When we feel misunderstood, you argue and don’t find each other. When our love relationship becomes uncertain and we do not feel safe.

Of course, singles can feel very lonely. But when an enemy suddenly shares a bed with us and we wonder where love has gone or if it ever existed, then a special unit strikes us. A unit that never rests. Because our perception is based on differences. One The gray square appears on a darker white background, while the gray square appears on a lighter black background. Hunger is horrible. But sitting hungry in front of plates of delicious food that we cannot touch is agony.

hunger for passion

And loneliness is our hunger for care, love, and connection. In a strained love relationship, the presence of the other is always painful for how different you felt before. We despair because our failure sits with us at the breakfast table. As lovers, we were convinced we had left Valley of Unity behind forever. And now? We fall into fear of loss and helplessness. The worse our early relationship experiences were, the more we panicked or gave up on the relationship altogether.

But even the best love relationship has crises. Good relationships are good because they handle bad times so well. If we’ve ever experienced trusting, loving relationships, we know it. We don’t have a perfect picture of the infinite relationship bliss. We know that there is no relationship in the world that can give us everything and we will never give up on our network of good friends.

However, when we cling to our loved ones and want them to be everything to us, the loneliness in the couple quickly becomes unbearable. Love relationships are safe and satisfying when both partners commit to them. But we will only be satisfied if love, affection, and appreciation lead us to love ourselves more as a result. When we accept that we are loved and loved. Anton Chekhov tells us that the more connected we feel, the more isolated we become. And that we desperately need another good relationship: the relationship with ourselves.

columnist Oscar Holzberg He has been treating and writing about couples for nearly 30 years. “Love is not an illusion,” he says, “but we have many illusions about love.”

Falling in love with your partner: Oscar Holzberg

Oscar Holzberg, 67, has been counseling couples at his Hamburg clinic for more than 20 years and has been married for over 30 years. His current book is called New Key Phrases in Love (240 pages, €11, DuMont).

© Ilona Habin

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